My photo
FARMINGTON, UT, United States
I am a traveler, artist, photographer, writer, and nature lover who likes to be alone. Always ready for an adventure, but often scared to step outside my comfort zone. It's time I face my fears. This blog is about all of that and then some. It's Simply My Life put into words and pictures. It's me discovering me. Come along for the ride!

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

Untitled


Lately, I’ve been looking over my shoulder and into my past.  Peering into the depths of time, trying to glimpse what’s shrouded in shadow; trying to catch what I might have overlooked; trying to find the exact moment.  

For some, it is definitive.  A second, a minute, or even an entire hour that they are able to grasp on to and study and know that that was the moment for them.  

For others, like me, there is nothing specific.  Nothing concrete to hold in my hands and reflect upon.  Nothing to tell me that that was the exact moment in my life when things started falling apart.  

One day I was plodding along, wrapped comfortably in my deliberate unawareness, when suddenly everything I’d known for the last 15 years was gone. I was free-falling, spiraling headfirst into the abyss of the unknown.  

There were no alarm bells blaring or flashing lights to warn me of the heavy-hearted end to the path I walked.  It simply vanished beneath me and my world flipped upside down.  What once seemed right was no longer.  Ignorant bliss was replaced with anger, confusion, relief, despair and an acute, overwhelming sadness.

But that is not completely accurate in its entirety.  

The feelings are real and the truths hurt deeply, as I knew they always would, but our path together had been unstable for quite some time.  

There were lots of moments I could have paid attention to.  Moments I attributed to and moments that would have surely altered my course had I confronted them, but fear kept me frozen.  I rationalized and made excuses and now we both suffer for our apathy.

My fear of change and my fear of the unknown kept me walking that same path even when I knew we were veering off course, both morally and spiritually. I felt his dishonesty. I heard it for what it was, even as I spoke.  Neither can be blameless, we are only imperfect.  

And then we try to move on, down separate roads, in separate directions, leaving the past behind us as only we can remember it.

Yet here I sit.

I'm thinking about what was and what will be with eyes wet with tears.  I'm yearning to take that first step that will send me towards a new horizon, but as before, I am paralyzed by emotion.

Even though I know what was is unhealthy, it is familiar and gives me a sense of comfort. I am in limbo between wanting to go back and wanting to go forward.

I need to say goodbye to before and embrace what will be, but yet, here I sit, idle and depressed,  as another potential life changing moment passes me by.



1 comment:

  1. It’s onerous to search out knowledgeable people on this subject, however you sound like you realize what you’re talking about! Thanks best online casinos

    ReplyDelete