Driving and the skill of observation or lack thereof

I don’t necessarily like driving.  I hate traffic and asshole drivers which seem to make up most of the other drivers on the road.  Things like not using a turn signal, tailgating, merging into 70mph traffic at 50mph and expecting everyone else to get out of their way, and using a cellphone while driving are just a few of the things on my long list of asshole moves that I think make a driver a complete douche.  Since my work commute is at least 45 minutes one way, I encounter a lot of douches.

Most of my drive is spent on the freeway on the outskirts of the city and I go against traffic.  I am not subjected to bumper to bumper, car honking standstills on congested inner city freeways.  

For that I am grateful, because I’d most likely be in prison for some major road rage incident against some jack wagon beeping at me from behind the wheel of a Mini Cooper because the posted speed limit, of which I obey most times, is apparently too slow.  The open road with less traffic allows me to look around at my surroundings and at the other drivers, which is quite interesting at times.

I see people doing a variety of different things in their cars on any given day, yet the one thing that remains constant is that people are not paying attention.  Their stare is straight ahead, even when changing lanes, and they rarely look at the other cars on the road, let alone the drivers behind the wheel.

I suppose, like me, they like to let their mind wander, because once the road opens up, one doesn’t have to pay particular attention to traffic.  A car can simply get in a lane and zoom zoom they’re off with nothing in front of them except for an occasional semi truck, but sometimes looking around can be quite beneficial.  

Being observant while behind the wheel can help you avoid accidents with other asshole drivers and can help you avoid that suicidal deer that twice has tried to jump in front of my car at the last minute. More importantly, being observant can help you identify all the hiding spots along the freeway where the California Highway Patrol officers like to wait in ambush.  

Noticing the absence of observation by my fellow drivers, I decided to conduct an experiment in that one simple, but important, skill that most people lack - observation.  

Everyday for over two weeks I observed my fellow drivers.  To and from work whenever I passed a car, or more likely when a car passed me because according to my husband, I drive like a "grandma,” I attempted to make eye contact. Not a brief glance, but full on prolonged eye contact.

Rarely did the other drivers bother to turn their head in my direction, but when they did, I waved.  Nothing crazy-like, just a quick wag of the fingers and perhaps a head nod to acknowledge them, all the while attempting to maintain direct eye contact because I wanted to see their reactions.  

Out of the hundreds of cars that passed, only two drivers ever made direct eye contact.  Several more glanced in my direction, but our eyes never met, thus my wave went unnoticed.  

The first to make eye contact was an older gentlemen, perhaps in his 70’s, driving a beat up pick up truck with Arizona plates.  I actually passed him as he was driving even slower than me!  As I passed I looked over and we locked eyes.  I waved, smiled, and continued past.

A few miles down the freeway, he passed me, slowing as he came even with my Jeep.  We locked eyes again, he smiled and gave a very enthusiastic wave.  He exited the freeway a few off ramps later and I never saw him again, but I remember him because he responded in kind and had such a great smile.

The second driver I made eye contact with was a younger man driving a U-Haul truck and again, driving way slower than me.  Slow enough to the point he was pissing off other drivers on the freeway.  Nevertheless, as I passed I glanced over.  Our eyes met briefly, but long enough for me to smile and give a quick wave.  

I remember him, because he had the most retarded (I know, not a PC comment, but an accurate description) look on his face with his mouth hanging open and he just stared at me. He didn’t wave, smile, or even nod his head, just stared slack jawed as I passed.  

It was a very weird expression.  Perhaps he was being forced at gunpoint to drive the U-Haul truck by a high ranking member of a drug cartel and the truck was full of heroin? Or maybe he had just killed his wife and was hauling her mutilated body out to dump in the desert?  Or probably he was simply moving and his mind was preoccupied with more pressing matters than the strange woman in the Jeep staring and waving at him.  But whatever the reason for his odd expression, I will never know.

After a week with just about every single driver ignoring me or glancing in my direction but not really seeing what or whom they were looking at, I decided to change the focus of my experiment to the passengers in the passing cars.  Actually, this adjustment came about by accident.  Even though the other drivers had no idea they were partaking in an observational exercise, I was still getting frustrated with their lack of active participation, but it was almost getting into a car accident that caused me to shift my attention to the passengers.

I was attempting a lane change on the freeway and as I began merging into the other lane, I saw a car at the last minute in my blind spot.  I swerved back into my lane and cursed out loud that this idiot thought it safe to drive in another’s blind spot, which is a huge pet peeve of mine.  I glared at them as they passed and it was the woman in the passenger seat with whom I made eye contact.

I would estimate she was in her late 40’s or early 50’s.  Instead of returning my hostile gaze or flipping me the bird because I had almost crashed into them, she smiled.  I was quite taken aback by her response, but her simple gesture of a smile immediately diffused my irritation.  I returned the smile and gave an apologetic wave.  It should be noted, however, that they did not have California plates and I think that was the difference in her giving me a smile versus the middle finger.  

That phase of the experiment didn’t last long, however, as the majority of passengers in the other cars that made eye contact with me were children.  Although they made great eye contact as they passed, they had no other reaction.  They simply stared, often turning around in their seats to continue their unfaltering gaze.  Most times it was I who averted my eyes, otherwise we just stared at one another and after a few seconds it became unnerving as their faces remained passive regardless of whether I waved, smiled or stuck my tongue out at them.  

My experiment has long been over, but I find myself still watching other drivers as they pass me by.  I no longer hope for eye contact, but on the rare occasion when it does happen, I smile and wave, but so far no one has ever been observant enough to notice.

A woman's perspective on gun control

People have their own perspectives and opinions.  Each one is different from the other based on that individual’s experiences in life and how those experiences have shaped their thoughts.  My perspective is much more skewed than some because of how I make my living.  I am a cop.  I don’t get the luxury of seeing the world through ‘rose colored glasses.’  My trust in others can either get me killed or save my life, depending in whom I am placing that trust.  Most times, I trust no one and have very little faith in humanity.  It’s not a pretty way to view the world, but it is my perspective based on my personal experiences and it is how I choose to be.

I know not the experiences of others, unless they share, but even then I can only hear their words.  I cannot feel the emotions of their experiences.  I may have a similar experience, but I do not know how the way they live their lives has influenced and affected their views and they do not know mine.  I only know of what I know for me and these thoughts are solely my own.

In the wake of the recent horrific events at a nightclub in Orlando, Florida, people are calling for stricter gun laws.  This outrage after every mass shooting tragedy - San Bernardino, Newtown, Roseburg, just to name a few -  is understandable.  We are angry that such unthinkable acts are becoming so common and frequent and we feel helpless as to how to stop it.  A seemingly easy, and popular, solution is to get rid of the guns; to pass stricter gun laws, but this will not solve the underlying problem.  

We have ‘laws’ and ‘rules’ for everything in our lives and I see them being broken on a daily basis.  Sometimes it is I who is violating the law and I consider myself to be an upstanding citizen who pays my taxes on time and for the most part, obeys the laws and rules set forth by our government and other members of society.  Everyone has broken the law at some point in their life regardless of their social standing, religious background, or sexual orientation, and hopefully, no one was injured in the process.  

The speed limit in my city is 65mph and it is against the law to go faster.  If I get caught, I don’t necessarily go to jail, but I do get to pay a hefty fine.   How many of us break that law on a daily basis?  We justify that it’s okay to go 70mph or maybe even 75 because we’re late for work.  

The speed limit in a school zone is 25mph, but that seems incredibly slow when we’re in such a mad rush, so if we do 30 or maybe 35 this one time, it won’t be that big of a deal.  We expect nothing bad to happen so it’s okay.  At least it’s okay right up until it’s not, but we justify and make excuses as to why we speed.  Perhaps in the world of laws, speeding is really no big deal, but speed is limited for our safety and going faster is considered breaking the law whether we agree with it or not.

I live in a very rural part of my city, thus I allow my dog to run free when we are out for our hikes.  She likes to chase rabbits and squirrels and the occasional smaller dog if we come across one.  However, according to the San Diego County Code Sections 62.669(b) and 62.601(y), “If you walk or otherwise bring a dog to public or other private property (where dogs are permitted), you must restrain the dog by a hand held leash (not longer than 6 feet in length).  I justify breaking this law based on where I live.  My interactions with people are very limited during our hikes and in my opinion, this law is a minor one.  However it is the law and by allowing my dog to run free, I am in violation.

Breaking these laws we consider minor doesn’t necessarily make us bad people, but if we look at it from a right and wrong point of view, we are wrong.  We are violating laws that have been put in place for the safety of society.  In my line of work, I meet many people who have violated the law in some regard.  I have dealt with everyday people in court for drunk driving, drug possession, and violating restraining orders.  People who could have been my friends, neighbors, and family members.  Good people.  I have also dealt with people who’ve broken laws that most people consider unconscionable  - rape, murder, and child molestation.  

My point is, laws, regardless of how minor or extreme an individual may feel they are, are being broken on an hourly basis.  They are being broken by the local pastor, the Police Chief, the mayor, your mom.  Just because it is law and even when the ramifications for breaking such laws are severe (example: time spent in prison), people will still justify and bend the law to fit their own ideals.  And frankly, there are those people who break laws because they simply don’t give a shit because they have no respect for others or for themselves.

So, I ask this: Will stricter gun laws remove the guns from the hands of those people who really really want a gun?  NO, it will not.  Law abiding citizens obey gun laws, criminals do not. Laws, regardless of how stringent they are, will always be broken by someone who has no regard for laws.  Stricter gun laws would increase the chances of those law abiding citizens of becoming victims, because they cannot adequately defend themselves.  

It is time for society to stop preaching “one love” because as swell as that may sound, it will never ever happen.  People need to stop trying to view the world as a rainbow, butterfly, unicorn kitten and start accepting it for what it is: flawed, abusive, and fucking scary.  Ignorance is not bliss, especially when it is getting innocent people killed.  

Most times I have a cop’s perspective and that is what I have been sharing so far.  Working around bad people is what I have been doing for the last 25 years, so again, my viewpoint is slanted towards the nefarious aspects of society.  However, I am also a woman and have a woman’s perspective.  For me, that perspective is much more important, although it’s still a bit cynical.

I have many fears as a woman, and rape is the most prominent one. Rape is ugly in every way imaginable and something that I think about on a daily basis.  Not in the extreme that I think every single man I meet is going to rape me - although I think anyone, man or woman, is capable of anything they want to do whether it’s good or bad - but thinking more about the situations I put myself into and how to keep myself safe.  

One way I keep myself from being a victim is I carry a gun.  Fortunately, I have never had to point it at someone, but the comfort of knowing it is within reach gives me a sense of, well, comfort. Just because I carry though, does not mean I purposely put myself in dicey situations and having it tucked into my waistband certainly does not make me invincible.  I do not allow carrying a gun to give me a false sense of security.  I know the risks involved, but I have been trained and am rather proficient in its use.  I am comfortable carrying a gun.

I want to keep my right to bear arms because I want to have that added option of protection.  Protection for me and my family.  I don’t pretend that if something happened, like a robbery or shooting at a nightclub, I would play superhero and insert myself into the path of danger to save the world.  I like to think that I would respond positively to protect others, but one never knows how one will truly react until put into any given situation.  

However, I can say, if a bad man tried to hurt me or my family, I would definitely put up a fight.  Calling 911 will probably not save me if someone is breaking into my home as response times by my local law enforcement to my area can vary (depending on all the variables in play).  That’s not a chance I want to take.  I don’t want to wait for someone else to rescue me and hope they get to me in time.  

Self-defense tactics might not work either, especially against someone stronger and bigger or if there is more than one attacker.  A gun in my hand, though, just might save my life even if it is at the expense of another, but that's the choice they made when they broke into my home and/or attacked me.  A gun is a great equalizer for any woman in a fight, plus I’d be able to defend myself from a safer distance and hopefully minimize harm to myself. 

The world has become a dangerous place and thinking that violence will never affect ones own community is living in denial.  It’s making yourself an easy target, it’s making yourself a victim, it’s putting your kids in harms way, it’s allowing someone else to dictate the way you live your life.  

The human race is unpredictable and we need to realize unscrupulous people come in every shape and size.  They don’t wear signs advertising their evil intentions.  They come with a smile, offering a helping hand and aren’t always unknown to us.  Over the past several years, mass shootings have occurred at such places like movie theaters, schools, and churches.  Soft targets where people are the most vulnerable and bad people can do the most damage in the least amount of time because no one saw them coming and no one was prepared.  

Yes, a gun can be a dangerous weapon, but so can everything else in life.  In 2007, a woman in Sacramento died from water intoxication after drinking too much water during a radio station’s water drinking contest.  Probably not the smartest decision on the woman’s part, but do we need to enact ridiculous water drinking laws to protect those people from their own stupidity?  Earlier this month, a woman died after being impaled by a flying beach umbrella at Virginia Beach.  An incredibly sad and tragic accident, but do we now need to ban beach umbrellas for fear of being stabbed while we sunbathe?

These are freak accidents, but a more common item that can be used as a deadly weapon is a car.  Drunk driving is against the law, but how many people have done it?  According to Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD), “over 1.1 million drivers were arrested in 2014 for driving under the influence of alcohol or narcotics.” After a long week at work, happy hour beckons.  “I’ll only have a few,” but on an empty stomach that few can be too many.  “I live just a mile away,” but in that mile you hit and kill a kid on his bike.  Do we become a dry nation and ban all alcohol because the .08% limit certainly isn’t preventing people from drinking too much?  Do we ban cars because they’re dangerous when driven improperly?  

In California, all drivers are banned from using a hand-held cellphone while driving (texting included), but I see people breaking this law every single day while on my way to and from work.  Stricter cellphone laws won’t prevent people from distracted driving and stricter gun laws won’t prevent guns from falling into the hands of criminals.

The problem is the person, not the gun in their hand or car, cellphone, jug of water, or even the beach umbrella.  It boils down to how that person was raised, his or her influences, and role models in life.  It depends on how that person chooses to be. We all instinctively know right from wrong, but some people just don’t give a fuck about what happens to you, to me, to anyone.  Stricter laws of any kind will not stop a person from doing what he or she wants to do whether it’s speeding or killing a bunch of innocent people.  

Stricter gun laws is not a viable solution.  Again, the problem is the sick individual holding the gun, not the gun itself and that is what we need to fix. The person.

I’m not sure what I’d hope to accomplish with this post, but I felt I needed to voice my opposition to those screaming hard for stricter gun laws.  The Internet is filled with the same posts and messages about the subject, but these people don’t seem to be adding anything new to the argument.  It is simply a regurgitation of whatever is trending on Facebook and Twitter and that is alarming as people seem more comfortable to be sheeple (followers) than individuals who can act for themselves and think, even though I hate this term, ‘outside the box’.  

I believe that individuals have the right to live in whatever manner they choose and whatever perspectives you have, I am not criticizing you nor your right to not carry.  I am only sharing my thoughts as I think them however, I do ask that you not interfere with my right to live in the manner I choose and that includes my right to carrying a gun.

A letter to my dog

Dear Puppy, 

You came into my life just when I needed you.  My husband (your daddy) wanted a dog, but I was reluctant.  Eight months prior, my dear kitten had passed away and it still felt like I would somehow be replacing her by getting another fur-baby, but the house was empty without the sounds of pitter-pattering paws.  My heart still hurt, but I needed another baby to love.  

And then there you were.  It didn’t take long for me to find you.  Searching the local shelters on the Internet, I came across your profile.  There was something about your little face staring into the camera that got my attention.  I marked you as a favorite and continued my search, but always came back to you.  I told my husband about 'this dog' I had seen on the Internet, but since we were going on a three week vacation, he didn’t want to look at any dogs until we came back.  

Everyday I checked your profile to see if you were still available for adoption and two days after returning home, I showed him your picture and said, “I want this dog.”  We hadn’t even met you yet, but I just knew you were the one.  We had our play date on a Wednesday and took you home a 1/2 hour later and that was only because it took us that long to get the adoption papers done.  

Now, five months after welcoming you into our home, into our lives, we thank you.  Thank you for making us happy, making us smile, making us laugh, and above all, thank you for allowing us to be your forever mommy and daddy. 

I promise…

…to play fetch with you everyday, even if I am too tired or if it’s raining and cold outside.

…to take you for a walk everyday and explore the world with you.

…to give you hugs and kisses everyday to let you know you are loved.

…to protect you and keep you safe so you may live a long and happy life.

…to feed you good food and keep you healthy so we can grow old together.

…to hold you when you’re scared and reassure you that the coyotes outside can’t get you.

…to be patient with you, even when you wake me up at o’ dark thirty because you want to play.

…to provide a warm bed for you, even if you are a blanket hog.

…to take you on our adventures, even if it’s just to the store, so you are never left alone.

And I promise never to abandon you, even if I have to carry you through the rest of our lives together, I will be with you always.

Thank you Delphine for being you.

-Mommy loves you

"Happiness is a warm puppy." - Charles M. Schulz 

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." - Will Rogers

In a rut and afraid to die

When I was young I wanted to be a teacher.  I’d put all my stuffed animals in a circle and I’d take roll call to make sure no one was absent.  Orange Dog, Pink Bunny, Ted E. White, they were all present.  I developed lesson plans, which consisted mostly of recess, lunch, and art classes, but then as I got older, I realized I didn’t like children.  My becoming a teacher was in no ones best interest and a career inspiring future generations quickly fizzled.  Instead I became a cop.  

I became a cop because I didn’t need a college education, although now, a college education is preferred and incentives are given for having a degree, and I didn’t need any specific skills that are required for many other jobs.  I also needed a job that had health insurance and some sort of stability.  My being laid-off all the time wasn’t gonna pay my rent.  

And now almost twenty-five years later, I’m still a cop and I hate it.  

I am stuck in a rut and I don’t know how to drag myself out of it.  I don’t recall ever having dreams as a child, other than becoming a teacher.  There were things that I loved to do, like drawing, reading, being outdoors, and playing sports, but never did I think I could earn money doing my hobbies. 

I guess I always thought adulthood was getting a blah-blah job to support oneself and being responsible, which meant paying bills and going to work everyday.  Being happy was a bonus, but not a requirement.  I suppose watching my father in the evenings after his coming home from work and seeing the dynamics of my parent’s marriage was the basis for this opinion, but it is a belief that has stuck with me throughout my life.  My parents supported me in whatever I did, but I don’t recall them ever encouraging me to dream beyond my means.  I lived day by day by day, not once thinking about my future.  

And now almost forty-eight years later, my future is here and I hate it.

It wasn’t until 2004 when I met my husband that I started to gain confidence and to think beyond each day. It was he who encouraged me to dream and move beyond who I was at that moment.  

By then I had been a cop for almost thirteen years and knew of nothing else.  It had become my comfort zone.  Quitting my job wasn’t an option, because I still didn’t have a degree, and in my opinion, no real marketable skills.  Plus, I was making good money and I didn’t want to go back to earning minimum wage while I “found myself”. Being a responsible adult kept me bound to my job, because how else was I to pay our bills?  

My mother had stopped working when I was sixteen years old.  We were a one income family and I saw the difficulties they had because of that.  I also saw how my mother relied on my father for everything, because he was the “bread winner” of the family.  I promised myself I would not be like them in that regard.  I had grown to be independent in that I would make my own money and rely on no man to take care of me. My husband and I were partners, a team, and I was perfectly capable of contributing to our household income.  I was not going to be a stay-at-home wife, which meant I would stay at the job I hated. 

I continued working, but began pursuing my interests in my spare time.  My passion for photography and writing exploded and I often spent my days wandering the city with both camera, and husband, in tow taking pictures, and many an hour at the computer writing short stories and blogging.   

With my husband came new interests, like hiking and NASCAR, and over the years we’ve developed interests together, like traveling and motorcycles.  Our two incomes helped us to be able to take vacations and travel (usually to National Parks where I’d take lots of pictures), and helped us live comfortably.

I am in a rut, because although I now have the confidence and drive to follow my passions, I still have bills to pay and that job that I’ve had such a love/hate relationship with still pays really well.  

I am three short years away from retirement, but my mind is already dreaming to the time when I can travel, write, and take photos full time and perhaps earn some money while doing it.  However, I am impatient and want that time to be now.  I don’t want to wait, because I have a tremendous fear that when I am able to finally retire, I won’t be able to do the things I want to do, because I’ll be dead. 

When I was young, age was never a factor.  I’d live forever and there will always be time.  Time to work, time to play, time to do everything.  Now that I am older, I find that time is fickle, time is misleading, time is selfish and time will kill me as it has already killed some of my friends.  

I don’t want to be part of that statistic of people who retire and die within the first year.  Or who never got the chance to retire, but died while toiling away at a job they didn’t like.  I am afraid to die and that drives me to quit my job today, so that I may do the things that I should have done years ago, but never had the courage to do until now.

However, the responsible adult in me tells me otherwise and keeps asking, “Who will pay our bills?”  So, come tomorrow morning, I will be back at my job, wishing I was anywhere else and hoping time will be understanding and give me one more chance to live life the way I should have.