Bound by Whose Etiquette?

04/09/2007

There were several definitions of the word etiquette when I looked it up in the dictionary. To put it in simple dictionary.com terms, etiquette means “the practices and forms prescribed by social convention or authority.” The purpose of etiquette, I suppose, is to encourage us to follow certain rules to avoid pissing people off. I mention etiquette, specifically wedding etiquette, because my fiancé and I are planning our wedding.

At a recent family dinner, wedding etiquette was a hot topic. The main reason for our discussion was because a few days prior I had mentioned to my mother that I was thinking of wearing flip-flops with my wedding dress. I only said this because the shoes the clerk gave me to wear while I tried on dresses were too small and hurt my feet. My mother went ballistic and forbid me to wear flip-flops at my wedding. She forbid me! Just for the record I am thirty-eight years old and this will be my second marriage. Of course I couldn’t let the discussion end, because the more I talked about wearing flip-flops the angrier my mom became. I found her behavior rather amusing. Of course my mother saw no humor in it at all.

At dinner I told my brother and sister-in-law of the incident and added embellishments in all the right places. After all I was only joking and had no intention of wearing flip-flops. However, after I told my story, my father was quite serious when he said he would not go to my wedding if I wore flip-flops. His reasoning? He thought I would look like white-trash. Wow. First off, flip-flops are worn by a huge percentage of the population, not just in the white-trash communities. Secondly, I would hope it would take more for me to look like white-trash than donning a pair of flip-flops. But that is my father and sometimes his rationale isn’t always as clear to other people as it is when he figures it out in his head.

After he made this comment I quickly tried to calculate the money I would save due to his absence. After much persuasion from my sister-in-law, and a small payment made under the table, I decided I would much rather have my father in attendance. I couldn’t believe he was that serious, though, which brings me back to the original topic at hand: wedding etiquette.

When Robert and I first started planning our wedding I decide to browse through the wedding section at the Barnes and Noble bookstore to get some ideas. Every other book was about wedding etiquette, but after flipping through a few I couldn’t take it anymore. In every book some self-proclaimed wedding planning-advisor-person was telling me what I was allowed to do and what not to do. This was my wedding for heavens sake! If I wanted to wear a black mini skirt with flip-flops and dress up as a vampire I should be able to do so! But not according to these people. I should avoid black, because it is associated with mourning and loss.

Who exactly are these narrow-minded people who write these absurd books that place restrictions on how a young bride plans her wedding? I read several of the jacket covers trying to figure it out, but I still don’t know whose rules these are. According to the definition, etiquette is society based, but aren’t I part of society? Certainly these are not my rules, yet I am pressured to follow them simply because a book tells me what is right and wrong. If I go against the perception of what a traditional wedding is and want something more suitable to my personality, is that so wrong? It doesn’t sound like it would be, but when I share my ideas with others, such as having no bridal party, I am gently criticized because my ideas don’t fall within the wedding norm.

This is where my stress level starts to rise. Not from all the planning, but from the pressure to have the typical cookie-cutter wedding, because the etiquette books say it should be done that way. In my humble opinion wedding etiquette is quite stifling and the authors of those stupid etiquette books are mini dictators in the making. Duties are defined for everyone involved in the wedding – flower girls, ushers, bridesmaids, best man, ring bearer, groomsmen, and on and on. The control factor is out of control. For instance, I Googled ‘wedding etiquette’ on the Internet and came up with a plethora of useless information. Did you know that if you’ve been married before or have children you’re not supposed to wear a veil or have a train attached to your wedding dress? And don’t carry orange blossoms! Why, I don’t know, but so advise the wedding etiquette gurus so it must be law.

My advice? Toss the wedding etiquette books into the trash, get creative, and open your mind to all possibilities. Plan your wedding as you and your fiancé see fit. Oh, and feel free to wear flip-flops. Your feet will thank you.